I can text with my tongue
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
