Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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