Soap is not a condiment
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
