how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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