Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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