Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
