Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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