He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
