im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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