from now on my penis is your penis
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
