In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
