Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
3pm strippers are depressing
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
