This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
