She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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