how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
