she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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