You're my little dorito
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Shitshow foam night was such a success
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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