i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
