The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
