It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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