do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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