My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
tell me about the eggs
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
