You just made me feel so damn special
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
