I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
