ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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