I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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