apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My penis needs a shock collar
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
