if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
