i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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