Porn is love you can see.
i will never coherently bang her
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
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