I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
