Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
