Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
