at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
