cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
