I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Randomize
