There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
