I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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