I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
