oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
