Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
