why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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