just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
