I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
