i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
