oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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