So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
