jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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