Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
