i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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