I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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