she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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