Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I had to cum in my sink.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
